Shameless [Alex + Nick]

Nick raised his eyebrows at this comment; neither was it appropriate nor soothing for either of them. He felt horrible, doing this, but Alex had made his choice. Nick couldn't help it if he'd made the wrong one. He began to eat silently, not looking at the boy in front of him. His boyfriend. The word made him feel sick - not because it was Alex, but because it joined them. It was as if Alex had him on a lead, like a dog, and could pull him closer at any time, control his movements, his thoughts, his desires, his life. His boyfriend. He hated him. He didn't hate Alex. He hated 'his boyfriend'.

Alex sat in silence, watching Nick eat. He felt terrible, what had he done? Forced Nick into doing something he didn't want to do. How selfish could someone be? Alex rubbed his left arm with his right hand trying to pull his mind off it. But how could he, when Nick made it so obvious he hated it. Folding his arms he leant them on the table. Watching the people around them, all chatting happily where as they were sitting as though a storm cloud was hanging on their shoulders. Alex looked back to Nick, no longer pretending everything was alright. 'I'd rather you were happy without me than unhappy with me' he thought, too scared to say it out loud.

Nick finished his meal quickly in the silence, stood up, and swung his jacket round on his shoulders. "Come on," he said impatiently to Alex, beginning towards the door before the boy had even got to his feet. The boy. His boyfriend. He stepped out into the cold without holding the door, but did take the time to wait for Alex outside the restaurant. He could almost feel the initials A.C on his chest, burning his skin, though he knew he was imagining it. The dragon had been for the nurse he was 'friends' with, and he'd got rid of its golden, fiery outline for a heart for Alex. He didn't have a heart for anyone. All he had was the stupid painted thing; it was worth nothing now it had Alex's initials on it.

Alex got up, wordlessly and followed Nick like a puppy. His head was bowed, as if he kew the regret Nick was feeling for ever suggesting they had two weeks together. But ti was only two weeks, what's the worst that could happen. Catching up with his boyfriend he smiled at him, taking his hand carefully. By the tone he had used Alex knew he was annoyed, but Alex would do anything to make him happy.

"I suppose we'd better go home and make love, then," he said, though the bitterness in his voice demonstrated exactly how he felt about this idea. He'd barely noticed Alex's hand in his, but now he used it to drag the other boy along. If he was going to be in a relationship, he might as well reap the benefits. And to Nick, there was only one kind of benefit. The hatred and anger he felt right now wasn't towards Alex, though - never towards Alex - only towards the very principle of having the rules surrounding him. He didn't hate Alex, he hated the handcuffs that kept them together.

"I suppose so," Alex said extremely quietly, knowing that Nick would still be able to hear him. He felt stupid. Stupid for making Nick do this and then stupid at himself for not being happy. But how could he be? When the person he loved didn't love him back. They would never 'make love'. But Alex had Nick now and he would make the most of it. Smiling he held onto Nick's hand tighter and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I love you," he said, confidently and loud enough for a few people around them to hear. He didn't care of Nick said it back or not, because it didn't matter. The love unrequited, but it was still there.

"So you told me," he shot back coldly, pushing through the crowd until they reached his apartment block. In the lift he slammed Alex against the mirrored wall and pressed up to him so tightly that there was no way he could escape. Then he kissed him. He kissed him with such force that their teeth scraped against each others and he felt himself bite Alex's lip by accident. It didn't matter, he was never going to apologise. Since when did he apologise for anything? They hadn't even reached the top floor and his hand was already undoing Alex's flies.

Alex closed his eyes, as he felt his head slam back against the elevator. His breath came in short gasps as Nick was preventing him from breathing. It was painful, but if it made Nick feel better then it had to be done. Alex was his. Entirely. He gasped as he felt Nick's hand at his trousers, so soon. It felt strangely good to have given up complete control to someone else, and yet part of it was terrifying.

The lift reached the top floor and announced this arrival with a 'ding'. Nick stepped back from Alex and grabbed his t-shirt, hastily unlocking the door and practically throwing him inside. Once he'd closed the door he ripped off his own shirt and disappeared into the bedroom without a word. After a few moments he came back with a handful of ties which he threw on one of the chaise longues. He unzipped his jeans and let them drop, then grabbed Alex by the hair and forced him to his knees in front of him.

Alex didn't even have time to blink before he was on the floor, he automatically reached and hand up and pulled Nick's away from his hair. He looked at the ties slightly nervously, but he didn't argue. He smiled slightly to himself and he nipped the skin just above Nick's crotch gently. Licking his lips he gave Nick exactly what he wanted...

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Time Lapse
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Alex wiped his mouth and leant back, biting his lip innocently. Waiting for Nick's approval.

Alex had been satisfying, but he was still hungry. He knelt down and pushed Alex back onto the floor, gathering up the ties in his hand in one swift movement. He turned Alex over so he was lying on his front and clutched his wrist tightly, tying him to the leg of the chaise. The other wrist was attached to the chair leg. And then he pulled down Alex's trousers.

Time Lapse.

Alex lay silently on the floor, he hated to admit it, but that had been fantastic. One of the ties had come loose, but he hadn't made any move to tell Nick of the fact until now, when he used his fee hand to untie his other one. It was only then that the pain shot through his body, he looked at his hips where tell-tale fingermark bruises were beginning to form. He ran a hand down his side and winced as he touched the marks. He gasped as the pain became more intense. He tired to sit up but it hurt too much. Alex bit his lip, throughout the whole thing he had been fine, but now, afterwards, he was scared.

"I'm done," he growled and stood up, letting Alex free himself and untangle his own mess. He pulled his boxers back on and went to the kitchen, heading straight for the cupboard where he kept all his spirits. Vodka. He drank from the bottle, huge gulps of it, smacking his lips as he pulled the glass away from his lips. His eyes narrowed as he looked at Alex, then drank again, just as deeply as before. Almost half the bottle gone. He didn't need the rest. So he threw it to the ground, laughing at the sound of smashing glass.

Finally, Alex sat up, the pain almost unbearable. But he knew why Nick was being like this, trying to make him change his mind. He looked down at the marks the other boy had created, they would last a while. But it didn't matter, not really. At least Nick had been with him and not someone else. "I still love you," he said pulling his boxers over his, now bruised, thin frame.

He laughed again, short and sharp. "Do you? Do you? You haven't seen anything yet," he spat, going once more into the bedroom and returning with clanking metal objects, which he threw at Alex's feet. "You love a man who keeps those in his house. You stupid little boy." And there they lay, implements of torture - spikes and clamps and chains - rusty and ominously stained with something that had once been red. He left again and this time came back with papers - paintings of the most horrific, obscene kind. He held them in front of Alex's face. "Look at them." He held Alex's cheeks between his thumb and forefinger, forcing him to stare at the pages. "Look at them."

Alex didn't care about the pictures or the pieces of metal. No, the reason he was so upset was because Nick had called him a stupid little boy. Who knew three words could cause so much damage. "I'm not stupid," he said quietly, "I'm not." Pulling his face out of Nick's grasp he stood up and moved away. Turning his back on the other boy. "I can't help that I love you. I didn't choose for it to happen. You have two weeks to pretend like you give a f*ck, then you can throw my away like everyone else. Just get over it."

"Me get over it?" He laughed again, standing directly behind Alex and wrapping an arm around his waist, holding him tightly. "You're the one with the high school crush." But as he said it, patronisingly, he sniffed Alex's neck and kissed the flesh. He sucked on the skin and kissed his cheek, right along to the corner of his lips. This was much more tender, with no regard to the vodka he had downed. The desperation had gone.

Alex looked up at Nick, "Why is it so hard for you to accept someone loves you without acting like a jerk about it?" he asked, wincing slightly as Nick's arms found their way around his body. Slowly he pressed his lips against Nick's, following the tender trend the other boy had set. Alex felt more confused than ever as he turned his head back to the things on the floor, "Why?" he asked simply, referring to the metal.

"Why? Because I'm sick and I'm twisted and I like to cause pain. Haven't you realised that yet? I like to make other people hurt." He ran his hands up Alex's bare back, relishing the smooth, warm skin under his fingers. "Don't change," he murmured, kissing down his neck and onto his chest. "Don't paint yourself like I have - don't change for anyone. If I can teach you anything it'll be not to change..." His voice trailed away, muffled by Alex's skin.

Alex looked down, unable to get out the words he was trying to say because he was so closed to tears. "I have to change, I have to. Because if I don't I'll be the same forever. I'll be nothing until the day I die. I can't do that," tears began to fall down his cheeks as he felt Nick's lips back on his skin, "I need to mean something to someone, to anyone. I don't want to be alone anymore."

"You'll have me, you won't be alone." He pushed Alex back onto the chaise, but lightly this time, and followed him, lying on top of him ever so carefully. He knew he'd bruised him before. "'Sweet is pleasure after pain...'" he quoted, whispering the words into Alex's ear. It was true, it was true. He only felt truly happy after there had been pain. He only became this affectionate and loving after he had hurt someone.

Alex, if slightly confused, smiled. He pulled Nick closer to him and pressed their lips together. Nick was right, Alex still had him, even if it was only for a while. He pulled away from the kiss and shifted slightly so Nick could relax without hitting any bruises. Alex nuzzled into the boy, knowing that if this was what he would have to go through, he would have to get used to it...or find better points to argue against Nick with.

"I'm sorry, my darling," he whispered as he placed soft kisses over every inch of Alex's face and neck. The apology wasn't for the harsh words or the impolite behaviour of earlier, though. It was solely for the forceful and brutal nature of what he had made Alex do. Nothing more. He would never apologise for anything else. And even this was hollow; no matter whether he said sorry or not, he would do it again and again and again, because he enjoyed it. And Alex would have to leave, or learn to enjoy it too. Then one day, Alex would want to be the one in control, and so would perform the same actions on some other unsuspecting person. That's how it had been for Nick, that's how the cycle worked.

Alex looked up at Nick, not knowing whether the apology was meant or not. But his body relaxed at the softer tones of Nick's voice, knowing that he wouldn't have to hurt anymore that night. Alex sighed and turned his head to the side, away from Nick's gaze, he didn't want to say anything, incase he made Nick angry again. It scared him, and yet parts of it were so exhilarating that he couldn't help but enjoy it. He bit his lip, trying to forget the pain that he had just experienced, but he couldn't. That memory would stay with him forever. "I'm sorry too," he said suddenly, turning back to face Nick.

"Darling boy, you mustn't speak, you mustn't," he murmured, his lips brushing Alex's as he spoke. Though his voice was still soft and his movements were all gentle, his words still held a commanding power, and the threat of what had happened earlier still hung heavily in the air. The lights were on and the wide window exposed them - the chaise was parallel to the glass - so anyone who wanted a glimpse could look in and see what they wanted to see.