Is This In My Head? [Alex + Nick]

The two weeks had passed quickly and as Alex retuned to the flat with bags full of food he couldn't help but wonder if anything had changed. Sure Nick was staying in more, but that was only because of him, wasn't it? Alex bit his lip as he pressed the button in the elevator and waited for the doors to close. He sighed and leant against the shiny metal, his hands in his pockets. He was still very much in love with the boy, but he couldn't hand on forever. No one should put themselves through that. Standing up straight Alex tried to forget that Nick didn't need to be with him and just concentrate on what he was going to eat...if anything.

[How about a bit of drama, eh?]

Two Hours Earlier...

Nick wandered from room to room in his penthouse like an unhappy poltergeist, throwing things around and breaking as much as he could. His hand was bleeding from punching one of his huge mirrors in his bedroom; he felt like a caged tiger, or an unexploded bomb. Everyone expected him to be vicious, or blow up, but he simply couldn't. Maybe now was the time to detonate. He staggered into the kitchen and opened up the drinks cupboard, pulling out some old, expensive whisky his father had given him and a bottle of cheap, strong vodka. Everything else he threw to the floor, the shards of smashed glass digging into his bare feet and the spilt alcohol making the fresh cuts sting. He drank deeply from the vodka bottle in one hand, then did the same from the whisky, alternating between the two until there wasn't much left at all, and his throat was burning. He turned, slipped on the soaking wet floor, and fell, his head hitting the kitchen counter as he did. All he could do was lie there in the puddle of drink, with broken glass cutting his naked chest and face, waiting for his consciousness to slowly fade.

He was out cold by the time Alex got in the elevator.

The carrier bags crashed to the floor as Alex found Nick in a pool of what looked like blood watered down. It was then Alex noticed the smashed glass. Immediately he pulled out his phone and called an ambulance, as he rushed over to Nick's body. The paramedic would be there in a few moments, all he could do was make sure Nick was still alive. Thank god he had super hearing! His heartbeat was faint but it was still going. "Don't you dare die on me. I've lost too much already," Alex hissed into the boy's ear as he cradled him, waiting for the doctors to arrive.

Within ten minutes they had, sirens wailing and the sound of the vehicle roaring could be heard miles around. Alex bit down on his lip, his hands and body were starting to become covered in Nick's blood. He wouldn't cry, he couldn't. As the paramedics ran in through the open door they managed to bring Nick around, but only a little. Alex stood back, his hands still covered in Nick's blood. They would save him. They had to.

[It's all drama round here (:]

It was hard to breathe, and he felt like he'd been stabbed in the chest millions of times - it was more the stinging alcohol on his wounds that hurt, not the actual cuts themselves. His first, delirious thought was: All my tattoos, ruined... The last thing he could remember was breaking the mirror; he didn't even recall going into the kitchen, let alone causing this mess. At first he thought he'd fought with Alex, and the boy had hit him round the head, but that couldn't be true, could it? His head was killing him, and he could feel both blood and drink in his hair. With blurry vision he looked up at the paramedics buzzing around his flat. Get out, he wanted to say, get out of my house and leave me alone! His eyes flicked onto Alex - the only part of him that could move - and tried to express this wish with looks alone. He'd know what he meant. I'll be alright, he thought, trying to send those messages to Alex's head. I can heal, I can use Kaylei's power. Just get them out!

Alex rolled his eyes, "You're such a drama queen," he hissed in the boy's ear. Using his psychokinetisis he flung the men out of the flat with ease. The force making them forget everything, even that they were doctors. But that couldn't be helped. Sighing he closed the door and locked it, before turning back to Nick. Shaking his head he went over to the sink and washed the blood off his hands. "You do that again and I swear to god I will kill you," he mumbled drying his hands on a clean towel.

"No, you won't," he managed to say as he tried to prop himself up into a sitting position. "I know you too well, Alex Cien." He closed his eyes and a calm, almost angelic expression came across his face as he searched for the power he needed in his head, then began to use it for the first time. It was an odd sensation; he could feel all the skin fusing back together where it had been cut, and it felt especially strange on his skull, where he could feel bone knitting together again. Soon it was complete, and he was just a sad little boy sitting in a pool of his own blood, more or less, looking around at the horrible mess that he'd made of his appartment.

Alex sighed and pulled the mop out of the cupboard and began to clean up the mess. That's all he seemed to do. Run after Nick cleaning, cooking and 'serving him'. But if it made Nick's life less difficult then he would do it. "Stand up," he said unsympathetically as he prodded the boy with the mop. He bit his lip and waited, he wanted to ask if Nick was okay, but the obvious answer was no. So, for tonight, he would keep his head down and just do his 'job'.

Nick got to his feet easily, feeling entirely better by now. The numbing effects of alcohol had made some impression on his brain, at least. He snatched the mop from Alex's hands without a word and continued to clean the kitchen himself. It wasn't Alex's mess, and therefore he shouldn't have to fix it. He swept all the glass into a corner and somehow managed to get it all in the bin, then tried to dry the floor with towels from the bathroom. It would take a while. He looked around at the rest of his appartment. There were broken ornaments and smashed gadgets everywhere, not to mention the mirror in the bedroom, and also the sink in the bathroom, where all this had started. Quite how he'd managed to smash a ceramic sink, he didn't know. "Sit down," he ordered, checking that the chaise longue was free of glass or other things that might cause Alex an injury. "Sit down and watch TV."

Alex smirked and sat down, crossing one leg over the other. It made a nice change for Nick to actually do some work around the apartment. "So why did you do that?" he indicated to the smashed bottles that were now in the bin and all of the broken things. "Having a bit of 'Rock Star' moment were we?" he asked crossing his arms over his chest. No doubt Nick would give up cleaning soon to shout at him. But it didn't matter, Nick obviously needed to talk about something - that wouldn't have happened for no reason.

"I've got cabin fever," he grumbled, crawling on all fours to pick up the broken things that littered the floor. "Stuck here all day, on my own. Nothing to do except look at myself in that stupid mirror." He scowled at the memory of his reflection - when had he become so ugly? He had looked repulsive, even with his tattoos on show. He still did, and the thought made him sick. He didn't own his own house, he didn't even own his own body. His disgusting, hideous body. No one except Alex dared to touch him. Why did he look so horrible all of a sudden? Contorted face, all out of proportion, bloated stomach, slouching posture, legs that nearly split the seams of his tight jeans. Of course, this wasn't true, but in his head, that was how he'd looked. Disgusting.

Alex stood up and wandered over to where Nick was standing, "Well, where do you want to go?" he asked brushing a stray bit of hair from the boy's eyes. "Come on, name somewhere and we'll go...well...unless you want to go alone. Obviously..." his voice faltered at the end. Nick would never want to spend more time then he had to. "Tell you what, you go and I'll sort this place out. What about Hawaii? The weather's nice this time of year," he said trying to keep up his happy tone. But he knew Nick would see through it, unless he was pretending not to.

"Can't go to Hawaii," he muttered, more to himself than Alex, continuing to clean. "I'd look awful in swimwear..." He straightened up and put the broken things in the bin, then scowled at Alex. "I told you to sit down!" he roared, raising his voice very suddenly and unexpectedly. But he wasn't angry with Alex. He was angry with himself. "Stop trying to do things that you don't want to! You should do what you want, it doesn't matter about other people! Haven't I taught you anything?! Do whatever the hell you want, Alex, because you only get one chance and you can't bloody f*ck it up like I have!"

"New flash. I do want to do these things because I know it'll make you happy! If you hadn't noticed you matter to me. More than anyone, so you come first. This is what I want," he said, his voice fading a little at the end. He looked up at Nick, hurt and confused, "Yeah, because everything in your life is one big mistake." Alex turned and picked up the carrier bags from earlier and took them into the kitchen and began to unpack them and put them away.

"The only thing I don't regret is you!" he shouted in vain - the argument was clearly over, but he still had so much anger to get rid of. It was all coming back to him, why he had broken the sink, why he had punched the mirror, why he had smashed everything and why he had drunk so much. He staggered under the weight of the massive realisation, but the words he'd just cried out were still hanging there. Were they a compliment, or would Alex take offence?

"Why?" Alex snapped turning his head and looking Nick directly in the eyes, "Why don't you regret me? Hmm? Because I clean? Because I cook? Because you can f*ck me whenever you want and not bother thinking of how I feel? Because I love you? Because you can do whatever the f*ck you want to me and I'll STILL love you?" Alex shook his head and returned to unpacking the shopping, so close to tears.

"Because I f*cking well love you back, that's why." And with just a look filled with anger and hate he turned away and went into the bedroom to start on the mess in there. Hate, for making him say that. He hated Alex for making him admit that. He'd wanted to say it specially, with more gifts and treats, but he'd gone and made a scene, and then he'd had to blurt it out. It had taken Nick a long time to realise that love didn't necessarily mean loyalty. And in that sense, he did love Alex. He loved him, he just simply couldn't commit.

Alex dropped the bottle he was holding and it smashed to the floor. He was shocked above everything else. But part of him doubted Nick was even telling the truth. But he must be, no one would cause a scene like that and conclude it with such a thing. He sighed and began to clean the mess he had made. Unable to say anything. What was there to say? I love you too? Well, maybe, but Nick knew that already. He sighed and, after cleaning the mess, walked over to the bedroom door and just stood, his hands down by his sides as he watch Nick clear up, "Do you mean it?" he asked quietly, not wanting to be shouted at again.

"Of course I bloody well mean it, do you think I'd say it if I didn't?" he replied bitterly, glaring at Alex. And then he caught sight of himself in the smashed mirror. Even with the cracks criss-crossing his reflection he could see the same, awful vision he'd seen earlier. All he could do was stare at it in horror - like Dorian Gray looking at his portrait after all those years of sin. He didn't want to see, but he couldn't take his eyes away! It was so disgusting that it made him curiouser and curiouser.

[Alice in Wonderland ]

Alex sighed and walked over to Nick and took ahold of his hand. Slipping his hand up to the boy's cheek he turned his head so that their eyes locked. Biting his lip he let his hand drop again. "I love you too," he smiled pressing their lips together tenderly, even if Nick already knew it, there was no harm in saying it was there? "Are you okay?" he asked suddenly as he pulled away. He had noticed Nick's face when he looked in the mirror, and that confused him. Just a little.

Nick shook his head, biting his lip. "No, no, just...look at me. There's something not right, isn't there?" he asked, turning to Alex and showing him his near perfect body. He couldn't quite bring himself to say 'something wrong' just yet. He sighed, and looked away, waiting for Alex's answer. It wasn't going to be good. It was going to be very, very bad. Why was he still here, with such an ugly person? So ugly that he couldn't leave the house, or flirt with anyone, or have anyone look at him in public...

Alex stood back and looked at Nick properly, "Hmm, well, you're missing your eyeliner," he smiled before stepping forward again, "Nick...You're perfect. In every possible way, even if you can't see it yourself. I know you've been here a long time, so, why don't you go out tonight? Have some fun? Meet some new people? Otherwise you might get out of practice," he smiled kissing Nick lightly on the cheek. "You look fine," he said after a while as he reached up and brushed a strand of hair from Nick's eyes, "You always look fine."

"I can't go out and meet people," he said, frowning, with a confused look on his face. "Because we're...together, aren't we?" Sure, he was overdoing it a bit to make Alex feel the tiniest bit guilty, but it was still true. For the first time ever, he didn't want to be unfaithful. He just wanted to know that Alex didn't have anyone else, which was so far from the truth that it made him feel even worse when he looked in the mirror. But, if Alex was doing it, he could too. What about that cute girl who'd been there when they first met? Fa-Faith, that was it. He'd seen her in a few places since then; she looked like she could do with a bit of rebellion.

Alex sighed and sat down on the bed, his head in his hands, "I didn't mean...meet people for sex. I meant for friends," he muttered sitting up and running his hands through his hair. He felt awful, he'd done something terrible. "Nick..." he began, unsure of what he was going to say, "I-I...well," he sighed, just spit it out! "When we started this, we were so different, I loved you more than anything, I still do, but you didn't love me. At least, you never acted like you did, you never said it. So I though, if this failed, I'd need a fall back. So I found it. Jace, Destin, Josh, they're my fall backs. I thought you would have the same. With Kaylei, that nurse, the tattoo artist, anyone. Because that's what you were like. Please...believe me, I love you so much. But put yourself in my position. You-you've fallen in love with the most amazing boy on the planet who's given you a home, money, food, care; but you have nothing to give him back. Do you know how terrified I was that, if this ended badly, I would be back on the streets? By myself again. But I had to try, I had to try and get the one thing I really wanted - you. If this had've ended badly I needed somewhere to go, that's where Jace and the others came in. But I promise you, if this is real, if you really love me, then I'll stop and never even look at someone else again. But I need to know for sure, I don't want to live out of trash again." he finished, a tear rolling down his nose and dripping onto the floor, "I need to be sure this isn't going to be taken away from me."

He turned on him, suddenly cruel and bitter again. "You weren't terrified. You're just greedy," he said, the hypocrisy almost causing him physical pain. But it wasn't as much as the painful thought of Alex with someone else. Fine, with Jace, in the bathrooms on his birthday; he'd been there too. He even found it hard to object to that time messing around with Josh in the gym at school, because although he hadn't been there at the start - technically - he had encouraged it and joined in. But all this cheating? Alex said 'love'; but Nick was beginning to get the impression that he used that word far too lightly. I've had no one else. No one. And you wonder why I feel disgusting. He looked down at Alex in disdain and left the bedroom after grabbing a t-shirt from the floor. He was going out.

Alex sat alone and in silence for a moment, "What have I done?" he sobbed suddenly putting his face back on his hands, "How could I have been so stupid?" he asked himself bitterly. Shaking his head he stood and made his way to the kitchen where he took out the bottle he'd bought for Nick. Ripping the lid of he drank as much as he could. He wouldn't be able to heal like Nick, thank goodness. Slumping against a cabinet he finished the bottle and threw it at his feel. His head felt light, but this wasn't enough. Using his psychokinetisis he pulled a packet of ibuprofen from the counter, well it was better than nothing.