Shameless [Alex + Nick]

Alex sat alone in the Chinese restaurant, his hands hiding his face from the view of everyone. He felt sick, he hadn't been back to Nick's for days. He'd been sleeping with various other people to get rid of his worries. But it hadn't worked. He bit his lip as the waiter handed him his drink with a wink and a cheeky smile. Rolling his eyes he replaced his head in his hands and tried to think of a plan. Tonight he was too tired to move. What was he going to do? He still wasn't prepared to face Nick, not after...well, he wasn't going to think about it. Leaning back against his chair he stared intently at his drink. Not noticing the comings or goings of anyone. Not listening into anyone conversations and ignoring everything. If an opportunity came up, he would take it. But until then...

Nick entered the restaurant and made a beeline straight for Alex's table, sitting down without any greeting and clicking his fingers at the waiter, who instantly recognised him and began ordering the kitchen staff to prepare his usual meal. "I'm glad I found you," Nick said, not looking at Alex for two reasons: one because he was embarrassed, and two because he wasn't quite sure how he should be acting. "There were several things I needed to see you about. Firstly, there's this." He dug around in his jacket pocket for a moment before pulling out a shiny silver key with a ribbon tied onto it, which he pushed across the table towards Alex.

Alex looked across the table to Nick, and then down at the key, "What's this for?" he asked, not looking back up at the other boy, but taking the glass from the table and raising it to his lips. Sighing he sat up properly and just waited. He wanted to ask Nick some things as well, but they would wait.

"It's a key to the flat. I still want you there. I also bought you this," he said, getting a black box out of his pocket and placing it on the table in front of Alex. "I hope you like it. I saw it when I was out earlier and it made me think of you. I'm not sure why, but I do hope you like it." He lifted the lid off the box, revealing a modern, stylish watch:



Needless to say, it had cost him pretty much the whole of his month's allowance to treat Alex tonight, but the final gift was both the most expensive and the most wonderful yet. He was grinning with anticipation at showing his lover what he had done for him. The watch was nothing compared to the last thing on the list.

Alex's mouth was open in shock, "I-I don't know what to say." He put the watch carefully back in the box, he was honestly speechless. He would put it on later, when he knew for sure why Nick was there. "Thank you, it's beautiful," he managed to get out before, "Look, you don't have to be nice to me, I was stupid. I knew that...well -"

"No, no, I do have to be nice to you. I'm even being nice to you by getting close to Kaylei; if she's friends with me perhaps she'll stop bugging you. You'll always be my favourite of everyone, though, my little manwh*re, and that's why I've done this." With a mysterious smile on his face he took off his jacket and hung it neatly on the back of his chair, then proceeded to unbutton his shirt - of course he didn't care about anyone who might be watching. He pulled the material back to reveal his inked chest, but this time there was a difference. Where there used to be a golden Chinese dragon, over his left breast, there was now a hole in his skin which framed a realistic, lifesize heart, with the initials A.C cut into the side of it.

Alex was shocked, biting his lip he cautiously stroked his hands gently over the tattoo. "Why would you do that? I don't understand." He retracted his hand and folded it over his other. Alex bowed his head, tears almost threatening to push through. He felt awful, the fact Nick had spent all that money on him, allowed him to live in his flat, even helped with his mother. Yet he had nothing to give in return. No money, nothing to give. Except himself. And soon Nick would become bored, just like everyone else.

"You're like a little brother to me, Alex," he said, smiling. "That's the first time I've had a name or initials done, and count yourself lucky - I was very fond of that dragon." The waiter brought over some food and a bottle of champagne which he poured out between the two of them, then left discreetly. "I did it because I was horrible to you the other day, and I'm determined to be nicer. I'm not settling down, don't think that, but I'm going to be a little nicer to people from now on, starting with this apology to you and an apology to Kaylei for playing about like that. I got carried away and it was very wrong. Will you forgive me and come home tonight?"

Alex kept his head down, even closer to tears. Slowly he shook his head, "I can't. I'm sorry. I do forgive you, but I can't come back." He pushed the key back and then eventually the watch. He took a deep breath and then finally looked up at Nick, the hurt easily showing in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he repeated, very quietly, "have Kaylei, I'm sure she'll do a better job than me. I can't do this anymore." Pulling out his last $5 from his pocket he left it on the table to pay for his drink. Getting up and placing a slow kiss on Nick's cheek, he turned to leave.

"Woah, stop," Nick murmured, slipping his arm around Alex's waist and holding him back. "Why not? Why can't you come home? I've been so bored without you, and I don't mean in the bedroom. I hate being there on my own. Come home. Accept my gifts, sit down, have at least one prawn cracker to eat, and then come home with me. I don't want Kaylei to be there all the time, I want you to be living with me. What've you done that means you can't come home? What've I done now?"

Alex closed his eyes and the tears trickled down his face, "You haven't done anything." He turned and buried his head into Nick's chest wrapping his arms around the other boy. "It's me. It's always me." he mumbled against the boy's shirt. Eventually he stood back, "Look at me. I'll give you three guesses," He said, brushing the tears roughly from his eyes. No doubt Kaylei had already told him. But he wasn't sure.

"What? What is it? I've really got no idea," he said, pulling Alex onto his lap and hugging him comfortingly. For a moment he thought it might be something to do with Alex's mother, but he doubted he'd play guessing games about that, no matter how many tears he was crying at the same time. No, this was about Alex himself. "I really don't know. Please tell me - I promise I won't care, I promise."

"I-I..." Alex bit his lip, he couldn't say it. It would ruin everything. Could he do it? Just to loose Nick, but to not have the huge weight anymore. He sighed, "I love you." Slipping away from Nick, he stood and faced the boy properly. "I'm so sorry." Then he ran. He ran out of the restaurant as fast as he could. Turning down a back alley he leant against the wall as far into the shadows as possible.

Nick sat for a moment, stunned. Was that it or was there something more he was keeping quiet? He blinked once or twice, computing and processing what Alex had said. Surely just saying, 'I love you,' couldn't make Alex that distressed? He stood up and ran out after him, buttoning up his shirt as he left the restaurant. It was a matter of seconds before he found him. "Do you want to explain a bit?" he murmured, sighing, as he approached the crying boy and embracing him warmly.

Alex looked up at Nick and just held him for a moment, "Do you know what it's like? To loose everyone, because you love someone who will never even consider it. To have to hold it in because you're too scared you're going to loose him." A single tear rolled off Alex's nose and dripped to the floor. "I can't live with you because it hurts too much. To know I'll never be enough for you. That you'll find someone else to be with when you get bored of me. I can't do it Nick." Alex stepped away from the other boy, still crying, but not as much as before. He was at that stage where you've cried so much, you can't. No matter how upset you are.

Nick took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall. His mind was flicking between people; Alex with Jace, Alex with Destin, Alex with him, himself with Jace, with other girls, brief fantasies of himself with Kaylei, Faith, Sephy, that new blonde girl. What was it all worth? "I'll try it," he said finally, aware that he was signing away his freedom with those words. "We can try it, for, say, a fortnight. I'll try my hardest, I really will." Hell, he'd already had the guy's initials tattooed on his chest, next he'd be buying an engagement ring. The things he did for Alex... Ridiculous.

Alex, stunned, pulled Nick towards him and pushed their lips together. Making sure this was all still real. Pulling away an inch he leant his forehead against Nick's own, "Why Nick? Why are you doing this?" he asked, almost in a whisper. But Alex didn't let go of the other boy, his hands still clung onto the boys shirt. "Why are you doing this, for me? When you don't even love me."

"I don't want to upset you. I don't like seeing you sad. I care a lot about you, Alex, but like I've said before, I love you like a brother, like...like how you love Destin. But that's true. If it wasn't true, why would I have your initials on my heart, hmm?" He hugged Alex tightly, but couldn't help feeling like he'd made a big mistake by promising something he clearly wouldn't be able to deliver. It was all very well saying he'd be nice to people from now on, but this was far too selfless, really. His only hope now was that Alex wouldn't want to be with him because he was acting so unlike his normal self.

Alex sighed, his heart aching painfully. Closing his eyes he rested his head against Nick's chest and held him tightly. "But this is wrong, for you. You can't just...just...pretend. This isn't a game. You shouldn't make promises you can't keep," he finished, drying his eye for the last time. He took a few deep breaths to calm down, "I don't want you to give up doing something you love for someone you don't."

"Look, you say you love me. But you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. You love the person I am when I'm flirting or showing off. Not the person who gets upset at the smallest things, has to go around tidying up every day only to make a mess again. Not the person who will smash things up, cheat on you, get drunk, get high, anything to escape being trapped. I get claustrophobic, I go insane, and then you'll hate me. I'd rather you thought me a person worth idolising than having what you want and despising me after it. I don't want to hurt you, Alex, not ever, but you must understand that this hurt you feel now is nothing - nothing - compared to how much you would hurt once we were through. Please trust me when I say that the way things are right now are the best they're ever going to get. I'll give you the fortnight, and see if I've changed. But I know myself, and I know that it wouldn't be long before I was hurting you even more." He held Alex close, near to tears himself now, as he leaned against the alley wall, his shirt still open and the vivid heart still visible in the half-light.

Alex clung onto Nick, not wanting to cry anymore. He didn't know what to say. At least if he tried for a while maybe it would show Nick how much Alex really cared about him. Because if Alex was around, Nick wouldn't be the only one having to pull everything together by himself - Alex would be there to help him. But what happens after, could they really just return to how they were before. Alex doubted it very much, was it all worth risking for two weeks? Alex bit his lip and looked up at Nick, "Just because you act different doesn't mean I'll love you any less. Whatever happens, that won't change. I'll always be here for you," he smiled and reached up and placed a gently kiss on Nick's cheek.

"We'll try it," he said sadly. "But you must promise not to be disappointed when it's finished. I always want you to live with me - I can't bear the thought of where you must live otherwise - so I can take care of you." He stroked Alex's hair and took his hand, placing it exactly on the inked heart. "If anyone can change me, it's you," he whispered.

Alex finally smiled as he ran his fingers over the ink, "I promise," he whispered still outlining his initials on the boys chest. Moving his hands down he took ahold of Nick's and lead him back down the alley to where they had come, "I'm sorry I pulled you away from your meal," he smirked, leaning his head against Nick's shoulder. In truth, he was happy Nick had given him time, even if it was just two weeks. But if Nick was trying, so would Alex, no more Jace, no more Destin and no one else. Just Nick.

"Come on then," he said, forcing a smile as he buttoned his shirt up fully and stepped away from the wall. He would try, he'd promised he would, but all men have secrets, and what Alex didn't know wouldn't hurt him. He'd have to be careful if it came to that. In the meantime, he was determined to try and remain loyal, though he was pretty much certain he wouldn't be able to. It wasn't that Alex wasn't enough for him, it was more the fact that a relationship was a restricting thing with anyone. He didn't like following rules, keeping to boundaries. "Let's go back." He began to walk back to the restaurant with his arm around Alex, feeling thoroughly drained by the experience.

Alex keep quiet on the walk back, not wanting to spark up anything that would hurt Nick. Besides, he was giving Alex a chance, the least he could to was to keep quiet and not ask questions. He opened the restaurant door and lead Nick back to their table, the waiter gave them a confused look but immediately had Nick's meal in front of him. Alex smiled slightly and rested his hand on top of Nicks, "It's only two weeks...it'll be gone before you know it," he said, a convincing fake smile on his face even though he could feel the pain in his chest.